OH, HI, NINA.
WOULD YOU STAND UP ON THE DESK AND ADJUST THAT VENT?
IT'S BLOWING RIGHT IN MY FACE.
OH, YEAH. I'LL GET TO THAT REAL SOON.
UNTIL THEN, YOU JUST DO IT YOURSELF.
FAIR ENOUGH.
OH, HI, DICK.
WOULD YOU ADJUST MY VENT?
WITH NINA IN THE ROOM?
GET UP ON THE DESK AND ADJUST MY VENT.
OH, OF COURSE. NINA, PLEASE LEAVE THE ROOM.
NO PROBLEM.
I, UH, I CAN'T REACH IT FROM HERE.
PUT YOUR FOOT ON THE CHAIR.
ARE YOU SURE?
IT'S--IT'S WOBBLY.
I'LL HOLD IT DOWN.
WELL, ALL RIGHT.
A LITTLE FURTHER.
UH, THERE. HOW'S THAT?
HOLD ON. I'LL CHECK.
AAH!
MY FOOT! MY FOOT!
OH, I'M SO SORRY! I'M SO SORRY!
IT SHOULD'VE BEEN YOU! IT SHOULD'VE BEEN YOU!
THAT SHOULD DO IT, DR. SOLOMON.
THIS IS UNBELIEVABLE. I FEEL NO PAIN.
YOU MAY FEEL SOME DISCOMFORT WHEN THE SHOT WEARS OFF.
NO. OBVIOUSLY, THE FALL HAS MADE ME IMPERVIOUS TO PAIN.
YOU SHOULD GO HOME AND TRY TO STAY OFF YOUR FOOT AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE.
KEEP IT ELEVATED, KEEP ICE ON IT.
JUST USE GOOD JUDGMENT.
I HAVE EXCELLENT JUDGMENT.
NINA, HAND ME THE STAPLE GUN.
CALL ME IF YOU NEED ME.
OH, THANK YOU, DOCTOR.
I'LL TAKE HIM HOME RIGHT NOW.
I CAN DRIVE MYSELF.
OH, DON'T BE SILLY. IT'S THE LEAST I CAN DO.
I'LL TAKE YOU HOME, COME BACK HERE, PICK UP MY CAR,
GO TO THE DRUGSTORE, THE GROCERY STORE, PICK UP ANYTHING YOU NEED.
OK.
I'LL JUST BRING THE CAR AROUND.
WHY IS SHE DOING THIS?
SIT BACK AND RELAX.
YOU'RE IN PAIN. SHE KNOWS SHE CAUSED IT. SHE FEELS GUILTY.
WHY SHOULD SHE BE GUILTY?
I'M NOT IN PAIN.
I HAVE A SUPERHUMAN THRESHOLD FOR PAIN.
[SHOOTING STAPLES]
WAAAH!
AND VOILÄ.
HARRY?
Harry: I'M IN MY ROOM.
HARRY, THIS ISN'T A ROOM.
THIS IS A SHOWER CURTAIN IN A HALLWAY.
IS THAT SO?
THEN WHY ARE MY LINENS HERE?
BECAUSE YOUR LINENS FELL OFF THE WASHING MACHINE.
I'M SICK OF SLEEPING ON THE WASHING MACHINE.
OH, SURE, A VIBRATING BED IMPRESSES THE LADIES.
BUT I WANT MY OWN ROOM.
DICK SAID THAT I COULD HAVE ONE.
NO. DICK SAID THAT UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES COULD YOU HAVE YOUR OWN ROOM.
LET'S NOT QUIBBLE OVER SEMANTICS.
BESIDES, YOU GUYS HAVE YOUR OWN ROOMS.
I SLEEP IN A STORAGE SPACE BEHIND DICK'S CHIMNEY.
AND MY ROOM IS AN UNINSULATED ALCOVE OVERLOOKING A TOILET.
ROOM WITH A VIEW.
RUB IT IN.
HARRY, YOU CAN'T SLEEP IN THE HALLWAY.
HOMEWRECKER!
[DICK MOANING]
Sally: WHAT'S WRONG?
OOH. OOH. SHE HURT ME.
IT WAS AN ACCIDENT.
SOME ACCIDENT.
WE CAN MAKE ACCIDENTS HAPPEN, TOO, LADY.
HERE. LET ME ELEVATE THAT FOOT.
AAH! OH! NO TOUCHY! NO TOUCHY!
NO TOUCHY.
OH, WHAT DID MY BODY EVER DO TO DESERVE THIS?
WHAT DID I EVER DO TO YOU? MARY, TURN IT OFF!
I CAN'T.
THE DOCTOR SAID HE DOESN'T GIVE DRUGS FOR A SPRAIN.
BUT THAT'S GOOD NEWS, ISN'T IT?
IT'S NOT BROKEN.
I HEARD THAT SOMETIMES A SPRAIN CAN BE WORSE THAN A BREAK.
Sally: IS THAT ONE WORSE?
YES! YES, IT IS! MUCH WORSE!
I SAID I WAS SORRY.
CAN I FIX YOU SOMETHING TO EAT?
JUST FIX MY FOOT.
I DON'T CARE IF I STARVE.
JUST FIX MY FOOT!
Mary: I'LL GET YOU SOME ICE.
LOOK AT MY FOOT. IT'S ONE BIG BOO-BOO.
DICK, YOU SOUND PRETTY PATHETIC.
IS IT PATHETIC TO SPRAIN YOUR FOOT WORSE THAN ANYBODY EVER
IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD? SALLY!
I'M SORRY, DICK.
YOU KNOW NOTHING ABOUT EARTH PAIN UNTIL YOU'VE BEEN A WOMAN, OK?
ONE WEEK EVERY MONTH I FEEL LIKE I'VE GOT A PAIR OF PLIERS IN MY PANTS.
YOU'VE GOT A BOO-BOO? I'M IN THE NATIONAL GUARD OF PAIN.
WHAT WAS I THINKING?
I'M SO STUPID. OH, I AM SO STUPID!
MARY SEEMS TO UNDERSTAND MY PAIN.
DICK, I, TOO, UNDERSTAND YOUR PAIN.
IT'S RIGHT HERE.
AAH!
ALL RIGHT, PRESSMAN, 2 BOXES.
RAFSANJANI, ONE BOX.
SOLOMON...
15?
YOU REALLY THINK YOU CAN SELL 15 BOXES OF CHOCOLATE?
SELL?
THAT'S RIGHT.
AFTER SCHOOL, ON THE WEEKENDS,
UNTIL EVERY BAR OF CHOCOLATE IS SOLD.
NO ONE'S GONNA WANT TO BUY THIS CRAP.
IT DOESN'T EVEN HAVE RAISINS.
I'LL GIVE YOU RAISINS. OR NOUGAT.
I'M GONNA NOUGAT YOU, SOLOMON.
WHAT DO I GET FOR SELLING THIS CRAP?
YOU GET THE SATISFACTION OF HELPING TO PAY TO SEND THE BAND TO WASHINGTON.
HOW'S THAT FOR COMPENSATION?
OH, FINE. COOL.
I BROUGHT YOU SOME SOUP.
LET ME JUST FIX THIS FOR YOU.
AAH!
EAT YOUR SOUP.
OK.
[MUTTERING]
MM. THIS TASTES SUMPTUOUS.
MY MOTHER USED TO MAKE THIS SOUP FOR ME WHENEVER I WAS--
DID SHE ALWAYS SERVE IT THIS COLD?
I'LL HEAT IT UP SOME MORE.
THANK YOU, MARY. THANK YOU.
OH, OH, OHH...
IS SOMETHING WRONG?
OH. NO, BUT COULD YOU ALSO GET ME SOME CRACKERS?
SURE.
OH, OH, OHH...
ARE YOU OK?
OYSTER CRACKERS?
OH, OH, OHH...
OH! OH! OHH!
MARY, I JUST WANTED TO SAY I'M SO HAPPY
THAT IT WAS YOU WHO HURT ME SO HORRIBLY.
ALL RIGHT.
I'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH YOUR SOUP AND CRACKERS.
OHH!
Mary: OYSTER CRACKERS!
MY GOD!
I HAVE A MAGIC FOOT!
SALLY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
EATING YOUR SOUP. YOU CAN'T DO THAT.
IT'S NOT THAT TERRIBLE.
YOU PUT A BUNCH OF OYSTER CRACKERS IN IT,
YOU CAN BARELY TASTE IT.
DON'T EAT ALL OF THESE.
DICK IS LYING IN THERE HURT.
WELL, I'M FINE, AND I'M HUNGRY.
BESIDES, I'M NOT THE ONE WHO BROKE HIS FOOT.
SPRAINED.
HAVE A LITTLE COMPASSION, SALLY.
WE'RE HEALTHY. WE HAVE TO HELP HIM.
I SAY HE'S LAME. SHOOT HIM.
AND VOILÄ!
HARRY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN HERE?
DANCING TO THE NATURAL SOUNDS OF PLUMBING.
OK, WELL, GET OUT, 'CAUSE I GOTTA USE THE BATHROOM.
YOU CAN'T KICK ME OUT OF MY OWN ROOM.
OK, PILGRIM. IT'S YOUR FUNERAL.
OHH! NO, NO, NO, NO.
HI, MY NAME'S TOMMY SOLOMON.
I'M SELLING CHOCOLATE BARS
TO SEND THE HIGH SCHOOL BAND TO WASHINGTON.
HEY, FAT GUY, IS THIS A DREAM OR WHAT?
CANDY, DOOR TO DOOR--
HI, FATHER.
I'M TRYING TO SELL THESE CHOCOLATE BARS
SO THE HIGH SCHOOL BAND CAN GO TO WASHINGTON.
AND LEARN ABOUT CHRISTIANITY.
AND, UH, BECOME PRIESTS.
Tommy: FINE, THEN.
THEY'LL STAY HERE IN RUTHERFORD AND WORSHIP SATAN!
NOW, THIS IS WHAT I CALL A ROOM.
I'VE GOT EVERYTHING A MAN COULD NEED.
A PIECE OF PLYWOOD, THE GNOME,
A VERY THIN BLANKET, NO FOOD,
AND MY NEW FRIEND THE CROW.
[CAW CAW]
[CAWING] HI, NEIGHBOR!
CAW! CAW--
NOT EXACTLY THE HOUSEWARMING GIFT I'D HOPED FOR.
BUT YOU CAN'T PICK YOUR NEIGHBORS.
TOMMY, MAKE ME A SANDWICH.
YOU HAVE A SANDWICH RIGHT THERE.
I KNOW, BUT MARY CUT IT IN HALF, AND NOT DIAGONALLY,
AND THAT HURTS MY FOOT.
WELL, YOU CAN CHALK IT UP TO ME BEING A TEENAGER,
BUT I JUST DON'T CARE.
MARY WON'T BE BACK FROM THE COLORING-BOOK STORE FOR HALF AN HOUR.
YOU KNOW, THIS DAY HAS BEEN HELL.
I THINK I MET ONE NICE GUY ALL DAY.
HOW MANY BARS DID HE BUY?
OH, NONE, BUT HE SOLD ME THIS NICE SET OF ENCYCLOPEDIAS.
OH, TOMMY?
TOMMY, IT'S AN EMERGENCY.
I NEED THE REMOTE.
SALLY! SALLY!
OHH, OHH, OHH!
WHAT?
I CAN'T REACH THE REMOTE.
IT'S RIGHT THERE.
I CAN'T GET TO IT.
SO?
OH, LIEUTENANT.
DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE TO FEEL HELPLESS?
TO BE ROBBED OF YOUR FREEDOM BY AN INJURY?
TO BE A BURDEN ON YOUR FAMILY?
OH! GOD, HOW YOU MUST HATE ME.
I'M EXPERIENCING THE STRANGEST SENSATION.
I FEEL BAD THAT YOU FEEL BAD.
EVEN THOUGH I KNOW IT WILL BE ANNOYING, I CAN'T SEEM TO FIGHT IT.
DICK, CAN I GET YOU ANYTHING?
MAKE ME A SANDWICH, AND CUT IT DIAGONALLY.
OK.
OH! YOU FORGOT THE REMOTE!
MY FOOT! IT'S BETTER!
NOOO!
GO ON, DOCTOR. GIVE IT TO ME STRAIGHT.
THE ANKLE LOOKS GREAT.
ARE YOU SURE?
YES. YOU'RE ALL BETTER.
DON'T YOU THINK YOU SHOULD BREAK IT AND SET IT AGAIN,
JUST TO MAKE SURE IT HEALS PROPERLY?
NO.
DOCTOR, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.
THE MOMENT I SPRAINED THAT FOOT,
MY LIFE WENT FROM VCR TO VCR-PLUS!
YOU'VE GOT TO HELP ME!
DICK, THE ANKLE IS HEALED.
I WON'T BE TREATED THIS WAY BY YOUR HEARTLESS HMO.
I DEMAND CONTROL OF MY TREATMENT OPTIONS.
BECAUSE IT'S NOT THE LENGTH OF OUR TIME HERE THAT MATTERS,
IT'S THE QUALITY OF OUR LIVES!
AND IF YOU'RE NOT QUALIFIED TO BREAK MY FOOT,
THEN, BY GOD, I'LL FIND A DOCTOR WHO WILL!
SO YOU'RE TELLING ME
THAT IN THIS COLORFUL MONOCHROME WRAPPER IS A BAR OF CHOCOLATE?
THAT'S RIGHT. DELICIOUS CHOCOLATE.
NOW, HOW FAR WOULD YOU WALK FOR A BAR OF CHOCOLATE?
TO GET A BAR OF CHOCOLATE,
OR AT THE REQUEST OF A BAR OF CHOCOLATE?
TO GET ONE.
OH, 53 MILES.
WELL, NOW YOU CAN HAVE CHOCOLATE IN YOUR OWN HOME.
IN MY OWN HOME?
THAT'S RIGHT. NOW, HOW MUCH WOULD YOU PAY FOR THAT?
FOR MY OWN HOME OR FOR A BAR OF CHOCOLATE?
FOR A BAR OF CHOCOLATE.
AH.
WELL, WE TRIED.
OW!
EXCUSE ME. MY FRIEND HURT HIS LEG.
CAN YOU HELP US OUT AND BUY A CHOCOLATE BAR?
OH, NINA, I CAN'T TELL YOU HOW GOOD IT IS
TO BE AROUND PEOPLE WHO BRUSH THEIR OWN TEETH.
YOU'RE NOT BRUSHING HIS TEETH?
DO I HAVE ANY MESSAGES?
1:00, DR. SOLOMON CALLED.
WANTS TO KNOW WHERE YOU ARE.
OH, GOD.
1:05, DR. SOLOMON CALLED AGAIN.
HIS FOOT FEELS HOT,
DOESN'T KNOW IF THAT'S A GOOD THING OR A BAD THING.
1:12, DR. SOLOMON CALLED. HE'S HUNGRY.
CAN YOU COME MAKE HIM A PERSONAL PAN PIZZA?
1:17, DR. SOLOMON CALLED.
WANTS TO KNOW IF YOU'VE FORGOTTEN
THAT YOU WERE THE ONE WHO HURT HIS FOOT.
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
[RING]
[IMITATING OLD WOMAN] HELLO?
NO. YOU HAVE THE WRONG NUMBER.
OH, YOUR FOOT HURTS.
HAVE YOU TRIED HITTING IT WITH A HAMMER?
I'VE COLD-CALLED. I'VE DIRECT-MAILED.
I CAN'T AFFORD A PAY-PER-VIEW SPECIAL. NOTHING WORKS.
IT'S NOT MY PROBLEM, BUDDY.
JUST HELP OUT AN INCREDIBLY SCREWED KID AND BUY A CHOCOLATE BAR.
IF I BOUGHT EVERY STUPID THING THAT CAME TO MY DOOR--
TOMMY, FORGET IT. THE GUY'S NOT BUYING ANYTHING.
I'D BE LIVING UP TO MY PLEDGE
TO HELP EVERY KID WHO CAME TO MY DOOR.
CASH OR CHECK?
HOW ABOUT BOTH?
OH, COME ON! THAT IS JUST SO CHEAP!
GAAH!
I--I REALLY WANT SOME CANDY!
[RADIO PLAYS MARVIN GAYE "SEXUAL HEALING"]
WHAT IS THAT?
93.9. THE WAVE.
THE BEST OF THE SEVENTIES, EIGHTIES, AND TODAY.
I KNOW WHAT IT IS, BUT WHERE IS IT COMING FROM?
FROM MY NEW TREE ENTERTAINMENT SYSTEM.
OH, LOOK!
THE SQUIRRELS ARE GETTING IT ON TO MARVIN GAYE.
SO IT'S NICE UP THERE?
ONLY THE BEST ROOM IN THE HOUSE.
SEE YA LATER, DICK.
BUT--BUT--WH-WH-WHAT--
OH, SALLY.
THANK GOD YOU'RE HERE.
YOU KNOW HOW I HATE ASKING FOR YOUR HELP,
BUT COULD YOU JUST PLEASE DO ME THIS ONE LITTLE FAVOR?
WHAT?
I WANT TO SEE HARRY'S COOL TREE HOUSE.
CARRY ME?
NO WAY.
OH, PLEASE, SALLY.
I HAVE SO LITTLE JOY IN MY LIFE.
NO.
LOOK, SALLY, I ASK YOU FOR SO LITTLE.
COULDN'T YOU JUST ONCE--
NO!
YOU'RE RIGHT.
WHAT GOOD IS A TREE HOUSE VISIT
WHEN DEATH IS ONLY MOMENTS AWAY?
WHAT?
TONIGHT'S MEAL MAY BE MY LAST.
AND YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS.
MEXICAN NIGHT!
I THINK I HATE YOU, DICK.
TOMMY, HARRY, WE GOTTA GO BACK TO THE STORE!
IT'S MEXICAN NIGHT!
OH, GREAT.
IT'S SO WEIRD, DICK.
I DON'T KNOW IF IT'S WHAT YOU'RE SAYING
OR HOW YOU'RE SAYING IT,
BUT, UM, ALL THAT STUFF THAT USED TO MAKE ME WANT TO HELP YOU,
WELL, NOW IT'S JUST PISSING ME OFF!
OH, AND, SALLY.
WHAT?!
CORN TORTILLAS, NOT FLOUR.
Sí, SEÑOR.
NO WAY!
YOU GUYS, YOU GOTTA SEE THIS.
Sally: HOH! I SHOULD'VE KNOWN!
Mary: WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT?
SHH!
THAT BASTARD!
THERE GOES MEXICAN NIGHT.
OH, IT'S MEXICAN NIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
MEXICAN PRISON NIGHT.
I SAY WE STICK A BUCKET ON HIS HEAD
AND WHACK HIM WITH A BAT, LIKE A PIÑATA,
AND WE DON'T STOP TILL CANDY COMES OUT.
TOMMY, HARRY, LET'S GO.
WAIT A MINUTE, SALLY! WHAT ABOUT ME?
HE'S TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF ME WORSE THAN ANY OF YOU.
HE MADE ME CUT UP HIS FOOD AND FEED IT TO HIM.
HE MADE ME SING TO HIS FOOT.
HE MADE ME TAKE HIS TEMPERATURE.
THE HARD WAY.
EEW.
BESIDES, I DON'T THINK YOU HAVE WHAT IT TAKES TO GET EVEN.
I HAVE A METAL BUCKET AND 3 SOFTBALL BATS.
THAT'S A PRETTY GOOD START.
OH. OH, HI.
THE LADDER APPEARS TO BE DISCONNECTED.
FUNNY HOW THAT HAPPENED, EH?
THAT MUST BE PAINFUL UP THERE ON THAT LADDER
WITH THAT TERRIBLE, TERRIBLE SPRAIN.
UH, OH, YEAH. IT, UH, HURTS A LOT.
HEY, DICK, HOW'D YOU GET UP THERE?
WELL, YOU KNOW HOW IT IS.
NO. TELL US.
COULD ONE OF YOU JUST GRAB THE END OF THE LADDER
AND PULL IT IN?
Mary: GEE, I DON'T KNOW. IT'S AWFULLY FAR.
MY ARM HURTS. MY NECK'S SORE. MINE, TOO.
WHY DON'T YOU LET ME DOWN,
AND I'LL HAVE A LOOK AT THEM?
ADMIT IT, DICK. YOU'RE A LIAR.
Sally: YOU MANIPULATED US. YOU TORTURED US.
IT JUST HAPPENED. IT'S NOBODY'S FAULT.
OK, OK. IT'S MY FAULT.
YOUR SERVITUDE JUST FELT SO GOOD. SO APPROPRIATE.
OH!
I'M SORRY.
Mary: THAT'S BETTER.
AAH!
OH, NOW, THAT'S GOTTA HURT.
NOT AS MUCH AS THAT.
ALL RIGHT. EVERYBODY LINE UP INTO A CIRCLE.
SOLOMON.
SORRY I'M LATE, COACH.
HEY, ANYBODY WHO CAN SELL 15 BOXES OF CHOCOLATE IN MY CLASS
CAN BE A LITTLE TARDY.
WHAT'S YOUR SECRET, CHAMP?
UH, YOU KNOW, I JUST KEPT THINKING ABOUT SENDING THE BAND TO WASHINGTON.
YEAH. THEY'RE GOING TO OWE YOU SOME REAL THANKS
WHEN THEY GET BACK NEXT WEEK.
WHAT, THEY'RE COMING BACK?
WELL, YEAH.
ALL RIGHT,
WHICH ONE OF YOU TOOLS SOLD ENOUGH CHOCOLATE
TO BUY THEM A RETURN TICKET?
HEY, YOU LOOK AT ME WHEN I'M TALKING TO YOU. COME HERE.
GUILT IS LIKE A BELLYBUTTON
THAT DOESN'T EVEN COLLECT LINT.
IT'S A WASTED EMOTION THAT JUST NAGS AND NAGS AND NAGS AND NAGS--
UNTIL DICK FALLS OUT OF THE TREE.
OHH... OHH... OHH...
MAYBE GUILT IS SOME KIND OF ANCIENT GUIDANCE SYSTEM,
A STEALTH EMOTION DESIGNED TO MAKE PEOPLE HELP EACH OTHER OUT
EVEN IF THEY DON'T EVEN WANT TO.
WELL, IF I COULD JUST BREAK THAT CODE,
I COULD GET YOU ALL TO SERVE ME.
YOU DON'T NEED GUILT TO GET ANYONE TO SERVE YOU.
WE PROVED THAT WHEN WE WERE SELLING CANDY.
ALL YOU NEED TO DO IS REMIND PEOPLE THEY LIKE SEX.
OH, WOULDN'T IT BE SCARY IF SEX AND GUILT WERE CONNECTED?
SEX AND GUILT CONNECTED.
HARRY, YOU'RE AN IDIOT.
I KNOW. I KNOW.
DICK, I'VE BEEN WATCHING TV,
AND I THINK YOU CAN WALK WITHOUT THESE CRUTCHES.
NO, I CAN'T.
THIS MAN SAYS HE CANNOT WALK.
BUT I SAY THAT HE CAN.
I SAY FEEL THE SPIRIT OF DICK SOLOMON.
STAND UP AND WALK.
MY FOOT IS BROKEN.
OH, FOOT, BROKEN. THOSE ARE JUST WORDS.
NOW REACH INSIDE AND WALK MY BROTHER. WALK!
OH!
STAY IN BED, MY BROTHER.
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